Ups and Downs

Sam

Loft3 Photography

{Disclaimer: I listened to the St. Lunatics soundtrack while writing this post. So, if some of my verbage sounds a bit off, that’s why. Boom de boom}

Hindsight is always 20/20 and now when I look back at how we turned our lives upside down last May I think to myself, “Hello! You completely gave up the life you had to live a completely different one. How could you not have known that would be difficult to adjust to?” I guess because I thought Cincinnati was my end goal and now that it was becoming a reality everything would just be peachy. Yeah, not so much. In fact, not even close. Here’s a glimpse into the last 8 months.

May was just crazy. In May I took a fabulous trip to see a friend, started my new job and we had sold our house but hadn’t closed yet. So, the concept of not living in Columbus anymore really didn’t hit yet because we still had our house we just weren’t staying there. Then June came and so did our closing date. That’s when sh*t got real. We wept. No, sobbed. No, we wept, sobbed and became hysterical at times is more like it. Even as I write this I’m getting choked up and it’s been 8 months! What we were giving up was not just our house but everything that came with that house. Our bestest friends that were just 2.1 miles away…(miss you Bean). Our favorite breakfast spot which was located at the top of our street. The beautiful park that was within walking distance from our front door. Two careers that were amazing and where we met some wonderful people we now call friends. Cousins that were more like siblings and wonderful great grandparents that so, so, so love our sweet Sam.


The last weekend in May when we finished packing and moving everything out, I remember repeatedly asking Ryan, “We’re doing the right thing, right? Moving to Cincinnati is a good thing, right?” At first, he said “Everything fell into place pointing us there. Yes, this is a good thing.” But as the days and weeks went by he wouldn’t answer me. Again, I’m getting emotional writing this! I don’t think friends and family understand the emotional toll this life change has taken on Ryan and I. For pretty much all of June, I cried myself to sleep every. single. night. I constantly felt this guilt for putting the train into motion that moved us down to Cincinnati. Ryan and I felt so isolated and so far removed from everything we knew. I remember Ryan saying, “This just doesn’t feel real. I feel like I’m on an extended vacation and that any day now we’re going to go back to our lives in cbus.” We had planned on living with my parents for a year but we quickly realized that just wasn’t going to work out. While there are a lot of perks to living with family, {no mortgage, built in babysitter, etc}, there is a lot of sacrifice as well. The biggest being privacy. Privacy means all kinds of things… not just the walk from the shower to your bedroom. Parenting privacy, dinner time, family time, etc. Ryan and I had absolutely no routine and nothing was as it was. Even the simplest moments like feeding Sam cereal in the morning while drinking our coffee changed. We were no longer a 3 some but an 8 person party. I used to call Ryan after work once and a while and say, “Bring home the goods.” That was code for Chipotle. He had my order saved in his phone. He reminded me after a few months that I haven’t asked him to do that since we moved. It’s the small things like that. They may seem so trivial and unimportant but until they’re not there anymore do you then realize their significance. I missed our “old” lives. I missed our routines. So the guilt continued to build which led me to want to make things right. Help us feel balanced again. Allow us to be happy again.

One of my biggest challenges is trying to control or “fix” situations. I’m always trying to find a solution. I put so much pressure and stress on myself to try and accomplish what I think will make a situation better. So at the time, I thought, we have to find a house. Like, yesterday. Finding a house will make us feel whole again and we will be a family and have privacy and things will be like they used to.

We hadn’t found a church home yet, although we had sampled a couple of different churches but just didn’t feel like we found the right fit. That was a really big issue. My relationship with Christ is truly one of the most important things in my life… although at times I get off track and my priorities may get shuffled around. I knew finding a church needed to be at the top of our list but it got pushed aside because what I felt we needed more was a new house.

So we started house hunting. Ryan and I both started looking on the East side. We’ve always said that is where we would want to live if we ever moved to Cincinnati. It’s a neighborhood that is similar to the one we left in Columbus but the housing prices and taxes are MUCH different. I just kept pushing for us to find a house over there no matter what. The housing market was crazy this past year which was good for us when we were selling but not so much as a buyer. There was hardly anything on the market and what was on the market was just over budget for us. I was literally having anxiety attacks about finding a house. One morning while driving to work the song, Help Me Find It by Sidewalk Prophets came on. I hadn’t heard this song before and the lyrics hit me like a ton of bricks.

I don’t know where to go from here
It all used to seem so clear 
I’m finding I can’t do this on my own
I don’t know where to go from here
As long as I know that you are near
I’m done fighting, I’m finally letting go

I will trust in you, 
You’ve never failed before
I will trust in you, 

If there’s a road I should walk
Help me find it
If I need to be still, give me peace for the moment
Whatever your will, whatever your will
Can you help me find it?
Can you help me find it?

I’m giving you fear and you give faith
I’m giving you doubt you give me grace
For every step I’m never been alone
Even when it hurts you’ll have your way
Even in the valley I will say
With every breath, you’ll never let me go

I will wait for you, 
You’ve never failed before
I will wait for you, 

If there’s a road I should walk
Help me find it
If I need to be still, give me peace for the moment
Whatever your will, whatever your will
Can you help me find it?
Can you help me find it?

I lift my empty hands, 
Come fill me up again
Have your way my king
I give my all to you
I lift my eyes again
Was blind but now I see
Cause you are all I need 

If there’s a road I should walk
Help me find it
If I need to be still, give me peace for the moment
Whatever your will, whatever your will
Can you help me find it?
Can you help me find it?

Every. Single. word was exactly what I needed to hear. Be still being the most powerful. I so forget to just be still and listen. I pulled over and just cried. Cried out to God and told Him how sorry I was for doubting him and for trying to think I had the answers to our “problems”. After my good cry, I prayed a lot and began feeling that 1 ton elephant leaving my chest. Ryan and I calmed way down on the housing search and by listening to God and just being still it became very clear to us what we needed to do as a family.  We found our church home and look forward to attending every Sunday.  It’s amazing how quickly life can turn around once you set your priorities on God.  Give Him your all and He will show you all He has in store for you.

I also realized that day how much He has given us because of this move. Ryan works for a design firm that is giving him wings to fly and pushing him to go above and beyond as a designer. He absolutely LOVES his job. I know so because I’ve asked him about 1,546 time since we’ve moved.  I haven’t ever lived by my family.  I’ve never been able to say on a Tuesday night, “come over for dinner or do you want to go shopping?”  I get to do that now with my parents and siblings and I absolutely love it.  We were able to pay off some of Ryan’s student loans and ALL of mine! Hallelujah! The sale of our beautiful home in Columbus accomplished exactly what we had hoped it would for us. It gave us some of the financial freedom we so desperately needed. Although I absolutely LOVED the daycare Sam went to in Columbus, it cost a pretty penny.  Ryan’s mom was watching Sam for us several days a week and because of that we were able to save a lot of money on daycare expenses. She accepted a position for a full time job the last week in April. So, had we not moved to Cincinnati we wouldn’t have had the amazing childcare that Sam now has with my mom, sister and the amazing Bessie (Beth). Oh, Beth how you are truly an answered prayer.

It just so happened that on the street behind Beth a house went up for sale.  A house that had lots of space, lots of potential and lots of wallpaper.  It was perfect.  The location would offer us more time with Sam in the morning and evenings now that his babysitter is truly just a street away.  The house isn’t located on the East side but rather on the West side.  My cousin sent me a text after we bought our house and said, “Oh, the west side.  Hate to love it, can’t live without it.”  Although Ryan does still intend to eventually end up on the East side… I think he might just fall in love with the West side.  There is a reason people stay over here.  It may not be flashy and urban chic but the people and neighbors are what make the west side so special.  We haven’t moved into our home yet as we are renovating a couple of areas…well, pretty much the first floor, first.  After a major winter snow, we were shocked to see our driveway had been plowed.  Our retired neighbor plows our driveway every time it snows.  We hadn’t ever met him before he did this.  That is what the west side is all about.house

Things are much better than they were this summer. Slowly but surely we are adjusting but it’s going to take some time. I think about Columbus every day and I’m sure Ryan does too. I didn’t realize how much we were giving up by leaving that city. It truly is a wonderful place with wonderful people.

signature

One thought on “Ups and Downs

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s